The Master Scam
As a finite amount of dust began to settle on the ticket gate scandal last week, or “The Master Scam” as some have begun to call it, Oasis decided that they hadn't ripped off enough of their devoted fans and released more dates for their upcoming tour/swindle.
This despite the absolute shit show that unfolded when the first tranche of golden tickets went on sale. I call them golden tickets because you had more chance of getting into Willy Wonka's chocolate factory than you did getting into Wembley or any of the other venues.
Even the Prime Minister didn't get any, and he got tickets to see Taylor Swift at Wembley in June! Perhaps that's why the government is now launching a review into how ticket prices are getting so outrageously inflated.
If he had any sense he wouldn't have spent his Saturday morning, afternoon and evening on Ticketmaster (I doubt he actually did) in a queue with half a million other people. Instead he should have just invited Oasis to Downing Street like his predecessor, the man responsible for "Cool Britannia" Tony bloody Blair. Actually scrap that, I think we'd all collectively vomit if we saw Oasis having another Champagne Supernova in Number 10.
Never one to jump on the bandwagon, the culture secretary Lisa Nandy made sure she got in on the debate as well. Taking a break from congratulating Paralympians on X and declaring herself relevant by saying, "This government is committed to putting fans back at the heart of music."
Something Oasis have failed to do quite spectacularly. When one disconsolate fan said on X, "Didn't expect them to rip the fans off as much as they have done. It's genuinely a shame." Liam replied somewhat bluntly by saying, "SHUTUP". Grammar was never his strong point.
It was at this point where the penny dropped for me that Oasis really are (and it pains me to say this as a lifelong fan), an absolute bunch of wankers. How can they possibly NOT have known about the dynamic pricing that ended up clearing out their hard working fan’s savings? SHUTUP!
Don't get me wrong, despite my newfound disgust, I still think Oasis are one of the greatest bands to ever come out of Britain. In their prime they were untouchable, despite what a few token floppy haired blur fans will have you believe.
I had the great pleasure of seeing them at Wembley in 2000. Back when FCUK T shirts were the height of fashion and when most of us didn't even know Ticketmaster existed. God knows where I got the ticket from, I must have stood in an actual queue somewhere with real humans (as opposed to bots, although many of you will have been accused of being subhuman during your online queueing ordeal).
I remember the concert like it was yesterday, the sun was blazing, Wembley had twin towers, and I had a pint of piss thrown at me (all part of the experience as any diehard Oasis fan will agree).
However, as much as I loved having that cup of someone's second hand Carling being chucked at my head, I will not be joining any more queues to see them. I couldn’t if I tried, I’ve not even received the special invitation to the private ballot anyway. God only knows how that will work but I’m pretty sure it will involve my pants being pulled down and my bank account being emptied.
Screw that, I'm making a stand. They are rich enough and I could probably buy a ticket to the moon on Virgin Galactic for the same price as a ticket to Wembley or Croke Park, and still have enough change for an M&S on the way home.
I don't care if you are facing an expensive divorce Noel. We're living in a cost of living crisis, and thanks to another half wit Prime Minister (who's even worse than Tony Blair) my mortgage has also now fallen victim to the very worst kind of surge pricing.
So any of you who see me this week, let's skip the formalities, and by that I mean you asking me if I got Oasis tickets. Why not ask me a non rhetorical question?
Ask me instead about the time I had a nice warm receptacle of Jimmy riddle thrown at my head and survived to tell the tale.
Then I'll ask you if you got any tickets.